


Steam in Forty Five Degrees

by vampireisthenewblack



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cliche, Cliche Fic, Deliberate Badfic, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-01
Updated: 2010-03-01
Packaged: 2017-10-17 02:11:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireisthenewblack/pseuds/vampireisthenewblack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An exercise in clichés. Bella wants sex, Edward is a prude. Emmett and Jasper give him some brotherly advice. I suck at summaries. E/B. Warnings for smut and swearing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steam in Forty Five Degrees

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was written as an entry in the Show Us Your Cliché contest, which didn't go ahead due to lack of entries, but it was fun none the less. Good for endless giggles while writing, and also an excellent exercise in what not to do ;) I learnt a lot about the clichés I use in my regular writing, and now avoid like the plague things I never used to think twice about. Thanks to everyone who suggested clichés and things that bug the snot out of them in fic, and also thanks to VanpireNZ for some hilarious inspiration and conversation at the beginning of this little enterprise, tjbaby for prereading, and k. BlackNightingale for being a kickass beta.
> 
> I do have to say that in the process of writing this fic I did maybe kinda go to a generic Twilight pisstake place. It was so easy to do.

It was a normal evening, if one could call it normal, with graduation, a visit from the Volturi,  _and_  an epic newborn battle ahead of us. I relaxed on Bella's bed, studiously refraining from listening to her shower as she took a 'human moment'. I busied myself with thoughts of the plans Esme had to decorate one of the larger bedrooms in our house for Bella and I once she was changed,

_How can we dance while our earth is turning_

whilst simultaneously running through Midnight Oil lyrics in my head. It took a lot to distract my efficient vampire mind.

_How do we sleep while our beds are burning_

Of course I was not cooperating with Esme, being that I was confident and also determined that I would convince Bella of the wisdom of waiting and going to college in the fall.

_How can we dance when our earth is turning_

I managed to placate Esme with the promise that she could decorate the house I had purchased in New Hampshire... Strawberry shampoo...

_How do we sleep while our beds are burning_

Rosalie? Yes, Rosalie was being increasingly difficult... Freesia body wash...

_Out where the river broke_

Hot water enhancing the scent, saturating the air... Soap bubbles, sliding...

_The blood wood and the desert oak_

Blood... Damn, must choose a new song. Esme... Rosalie... Alice... Damn, not working...

_Holden wrecks and boiling diesels_

Jasper! Damn, not working... Emmett! Bears! Panda bears. A fat hairy panda. Oh thank god.

_Steam in forty five degrees_

Oh damn!

The water shut off, but I was studiously paying no attention. When Bella appeared in the doorway clad in silk pyjamas that I took extreme care not to notice, never allowing my gaze to drop below her shoulders, I quickly rose from the bed in readiness. Catching her as she stumbled over the complete lack of threshold, I placed her carefully on her feet.

"Thank you," she breathed, gazing up at me gratefully with her bottomless chocolate orbs. The scent coming off her was intoxicating; strawberry, freesia, and the blood scent all combining in a concoction that seemed contrived to torment me. The venom pooled in my mouth, and I swallowed surreptitiously in order to maintain my composure.

My reaction to her blood was far preferable to the  _other_ functions that my body often threatened when she was flushed and heated, fresh from the shower.

I led her to her bed, and encouraged her under the covers before I lay down beside her on top. It was very important to keep that barrier between us, I believed, though I insisted that it was to protect her from the frigid temperature of my body. Only then did I allow myself to look upon her face.

She was flushed, heated from the hot water, her chocolate coloured hair still damp from washing with her strawberry shampoo and falling in soft wet waves around her shoulders, which I noticed because my eyes never strayed below them. The scent of strawberries permeated the room, along with the floral scent of freesia and the mouth-watering scent of her blood. "Do you want to go to sleep, or would you like to talk?" I asked her with perfect nonchalance.

She shrugged. "Neither," she murmured, and her heart began to beat faster as she tentatively reached out and snaked her arm around my neck, slipping her fingers into my hair. When she failed in her attempt to pull me to her, she moved herself forward, her soft full lips inching ever closer to mine.

I inched back. "Bella," I warned in my stern voice.

"Oh please Edward?" she wheedled, coming ever closer and making an effort to climb atop me.

It was so difficult for me to deny her anything she wanted when she pleaded so prettily and batted her eyelashes at me while gazing up through them simultaneously with her soulful chocolate orbs. I ceased my movements and allowed her to press her lips to mine.

Immediately her heart rate increased, the frantic pounding loud in my ears. I became aware of another emergent scent that was uniquely Bella in the closed atmosphere of her small bedroom as her hands fisted in my hair and she thrust herself towards me. Thank heaven for my well practised control, as only through force of my not-insignificant will alone was I able to hold back the erection that threatened to come forth.

_How do we sleep while our beds are burning_

I froze and pulled away from her, slipping fluidly off the bed and catching her dexterously before she hit the floor. "Really, Bella," I chuckled. "You must learn to control yourself."

She pouted as I placed her back upon the bed. "I don't want to control myself." Her hands went to the neckline of her pyjama shirt and with shaking fingers she began to slip the buttons from their openings.

My eyes bugged out, but of course I paid no attention as the movement was below the level of her shoulders and my gaze never strayed below that point. Outwardly I was calm and unruffled, and smoothly I took her hands in my own and made her refrain from her attempts to disrobe. "What are you doing Bella?" I asked, which I immediately regretted.

Bella blushed, the blood rushing to her skin in an attractive flush. She must be the only person in the world who blushed attractively, or perhaps it was only the singing of her blood as it rose to the surface of her face. "I... I... Edward..." she stammered. "Damn it Edward, how are you always so calm and unruffled?"

"Centuries of practice," I chuckled. I released her hands with a stern look. "You should go to sleep now."

She scowled. "Graduation and imminent death waits. I don't want to die a virgin." She crossed her arms across her chest, and I fought to keep my eyes above her shoulders. It was difficult because the top two buttons of her pyjama shirt were still unfastened and the swell of her left breast was visi—

_How do we dance when our earth is turning_

"I would never allow you to be harmed," I said, pointedly averting my gaze. "Essential to your safety is limiting our physical relationship until you are..." I gritted my teeth, biting back the growl that threatened to break forth from my chest. "Changed. Further to that, I insist that we be married before we engage in such activities." I didn't need to see her face to know that it held an expression of distaste.

"Please Edward," she whined again, and to my horror I heard the sound of flimsy satin as her shirt rustled to the bed around her. I refused to look.

_How do we sleep while our beds are burning_

"Edward," she continued. "I want you to f—"

"Bella!"

"Feel me..." She grabbed my hand and pulled it towards her.

_The time has come_

I pulled my hand back. "Put your clothes back on Bella."

"No. God, do you not even want to do it?" I heard her clamber towards me. I still refused to look at her, and so missed when she slipped and tumbled off the bed into a half naked heap on the floor.

 _To say fair's fair... Esme... Rosalie... Alice... Carlisle!_ _Jasper!_ Damn, why isn't it working?  _EMMETT!_ _EMMETT!_   _ **PIZZA!**_ _ **CHARLIE!**_  Oh thank heavens.

In a blink of an eye I had her covered and replaced on the bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin. "Go to sleep Bella," I said in a forceful tone that commanded her respect.

She looked up at me and scowled in chagrin before rolling to face away from me with a sigh. "Goodnight Edward," she sighed.

~oOo~

It was getting more and more difficult to control my thoughts—and consequently my actions—with Bella's constant requests for intercourse, and now that she was removing her clothing…

_To pay the rent_

Once she was asleep I crept from her room, needing to put some distance between myself and the source of my torment. I ran straight home and headed for my own room, needing to be alone with my tumultuous thoughts while I listened to Debussy for the calming influence I craved.

But I discovered that I was not alone. "Umm...this is my room. What are you doing here Emmett?" I asked my hulking bear of a brother when I walked across the threshold of my personal space.

"Looking for my Linkin Park CD. I left it in the Volvo, jeez, almost a year ago now. I know you don't listen to that shit Eddie, you just keep it around to impress Bella." He picked through the jewel cases on the shelves. "Fuck, bro, I don't get your system, what's wrong with alphabetical order?"

"The alphabet is so prosaic," I commented in earnest. "And don't call me Eddie." I rolled my eyes. "The disc is still in the car." I stepped back from the door in an obvious invitation for him to leave.

He kept flicking through the cases.  _Guy doesn't have anything recorded this century,_  he thought, and then turned to me and grinned. "You need some serious musical education, dude."

I rolled my eyes again. I  _composed_  music, played the piano like a virtuoso, was in essence, a musical genius, and Emmett— _Emmett_ —believed I needed an education on the subject. The irony was almost amusing.

 _He looks uptight._ Emmett tipped his head to the side and studied me for long moments.  _More uptight than usual._  "What's wrong dude? You look uptight. More uptight than usual."

"You realise that you are repeating yourself?"

"I think it, I say it. It's my way." He turned back to the rows of discs and dexterously flicked one off the shelf and into his hand. "Can I borrow this? I've only got it on vinyl. Wanna listen to it in the jeep."

I smirked. Obviously my taste in music wasn't so dated if Emmett wanted to borrow something. "Of course."

"Yeah, it's the newest thing you have. 1971 this was released man! Fucks sake kid."

"It's Jethro Tull!"

"Yes, and it's still the shit, but there has been a lot of great music released in the last thirty years. You should check some of it out. Maybe you'd loosen up a bit, not be so uptight all the time."  _Why_ are _you so uptight?_  he added silently.

I ignored him and waited for him to leave.

He still wouldn't go. Instead, he threw himself onto my… Bella's…  _the_  bed, wrinkling the golden coverlet and making the joints groan. "Have you given her a run yet? How'd she go?" He winked, and I hoped that he was referring anthropomorphically to the bed.

"No," I said laconically.

"She turn ya down?"  _Surely not,_  he thought,  _even I can tell how much she's begging for it._

I glared at him. "I'll ask you to refrain from thinking of Bella that way."

_Can't help it dude. That girl is crying out to be fucked. So why haven't you given it to her yet? Was she on her period? You couldn't get it up? That shouldn't be possible for one of us you know. Are ya gay? Shit, you're gay, aren't you?_

"Emmett!" I hissed. "Why is it so hard for  _anyone_  to understand that it would simply be more proper if we waited for marriage before…"

He gazed at me, waiting for me to finish my thought. I did not.

"Jeez, you can't even say it. Maybe you  _shouldn't_  be doing it. Say it. Sex. Fucking. Screwing. Shagging. Boning. Banging. Doing the deed. Fornicating. Getting busy. Humping. Doing the wild thing. Bonking. Knocking boots. Making lurrrrve. Porking. Getting your rocks off for fucks sake! Say it, out loud. Say it!"

I pressed my hands to my ears, trying to shut him out. "Shut up Emmett!" I raged. "Shut up! FUCK!"

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" And then he looked thoughtful. "Oh my god," he mused. "Edward said fuck." He raised his voice slightly. "You guys hear that? Edward said fuck."

A chorus of amused voices came from throughout the house. I ignored them. "Thanks so much for your help Emmett," I said sarcastically. "You can go now."

He was halfway to the door when he turned back to me.  _You do want to have sex with Bella, right?_

I was unable to combat the thoughts that rose to the forefront of my mind. Sex. With Bella.

In close to a century of mind reading, no matter how much I tried to block out the lurid thoughts that bombarded me, I actually had quite a detailed impression of the vast facets of sex that there were. I  _knew_  what it felt like to be inside a woman. I even knew, through my contact with vampires outside of my own family, what it felt like for one of my kind to be inside a human woman. The warmth, the softness, the tight slick heat…

_To pay our share… a big fat hairy panda… Charlie… Emmett…_

I opened my eyes and looked at Emmett. Perfect, I didn't find him in the least attractive. My world famous control was mastered once again. "Yes," I said simply.

"Good. Was a bit worried that you were a raging homo. Don't be uptight about the whole marriage thing Eddie. You think Rose and I waited till we got married to get it on? No fucking way! It's the noughties dude. So be naughty!" He swept out of the room, graceful despite his size, leaving me in a state of righteous shock and horror at the suggestion of premarital sex.

I immediately went to my stereo and turned it on. I relaxed as the soothing tones of Claire de Lune wafted into the room. I closed my eyes, losing myself in the music…

And I was abruptly disturbed by a polite knock on the door.

I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. "What do you want Jasper?"

"Can I come in?" he drawled.

I sighed. "Sure," I huffed, hoping against all hope that he hadn't decided to join Emmett in sharing some brotherly advice.

He swaggered in, the consummate cowboy—even though he'd actually been a soldier in life—from his snakeskin boots, all the way up his long denim encased legs, his thumbs hooked into his belt, the plaid shirt he wore with the pearlised snaps, even the way he dipped his head in greeting, gazing up at me from beneath his blonde locks.

One day he's gonna appear in a ten gallon hat, and I'll probably not even notice.

"Hey Edward," he said, his slow southern tones strangely soothing. Or it may have been his unique gift that he was using to calm me before he brought up a topic that he knew I wouldn't want to talk about.

It was vaguely annoying, but I couldn't seem to find the ire that I thought would be appropriate for such an intrusion. "That's unfair," I commented flatly.

"Sorry Edward. I sought only to make you more comfortable. I know how… effusive Emmett can be."

"You mean obnoxious?"

"Well yeah, that too." He chuckled, dropping his eyes to the floor in a gesture that was almost shy.

Out of all of us, Jasper was the quietest, and yet, he was also the wildest, the one with the least control in regards to our diet. The contrast was stark, and yet quite beautiful in a unique way.

I had to purse my lips, shake my head slightly and run my fingers through my hair just to shake loose the ease that he had projected onto me. "Jasper?" I asked, wanting him to get to the point of the visit.

He looked up at me. "Well Edward, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Emmett, and I hope you'll forgive me…"

"But you're going to stick your nose in where it's not wanted as well?" I retorted, breaking free of his influence. I wondered then just how much the way he had used his gift was for my benefit, and how much for his, to avoid my anger.

 _You have no reason to be nervous about sex, Edward_. Even his thoughts had an accent.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm not nervous," I insisted, wondering where he had acquired the idea.

He cocked a questioning eyebrow at me.  _You mistrust my gift Edward?_

Nervous? Was I? Surely not. I was never nervous, I was always confident and in control. But if Jasper had sensed it…?

_Is it the unknown?_

Still horribly confused, I shook my head. I could not merge the concept of _being nervous_  into my knowledge of my own personality. "I can read minds, Jasper. I think I know everything I need to," I said slowly.

_It must have been difficult for you to spend so many years in the company of other couples while being able to hear everything that transpires within the house. Especially with your unique gift, being able to hear our thoughts while we engage in our 'activities'._

"I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this topic of conversation Jas…" I began, but before the words were out of my mouth the ease returned as he completely removed all of my inhibitions. "Oh. Never mind," I finished.

He smiled.  _It's not healthy to repress such feelings Edward. It tends to cause more problems than you seek to avoid._

"And yet, if I am unable to control my desires for her, the consequences would surely be fatal. Think Jasper; if I had given in to my craving for her blood the day we met, she would not be alive now."

"Blood and sex are two different things. Don't make that mistake Edward. Particularly with the effect that Bella's scent has on you. That kind of confusion could be dangerous." He cocked his head and grinned.  _Or it could just hurry things along. It would be nice if_ I _didn't want to kill her all the time._

I scowled, but managed to suppress the growl that threatened to break from within my chest.

"Just a practicality Edward," he drawled. "No offence intended."

I sighed. "I'm afraid I've given her the impression that I don't find her sexually attractive."

He seemed to consider for a moment.  _I apologise for being indelicate, but do you pleasure yourself often?_

I baulked only slightly at Jaspers inquiry into my masturbation habits, or lack thereof. I had some vague, distant—far distant—memory of touching myself when I was very young—perhaps thirteen or fourteen—and being so consumed with guilt and disgust at myself that I'd never done it again. It was an impression that had stuck with me through my transformation. I also had some vague idea that nocturnal emissions were an absolute horror, and thanked god, not for the first time, that it wasn't something that—as a vampire—I had ever suffered from.

Thank god for his interference, because if I'd had to think about it while completely at the mercy of my own embarrassment, I might have bolted. "Never," I told him, with almost no discomfort at all.

He raised his eyebrows, but didn't look terribly surprised at my admission. "You really should, you know."  _There is no shame in such a thing. And it would help you to get in touch with some of these feelings you push aside to your—and Bella's—detriment._

"Jasper, I hardly think…"

_Do you suffer from performance anxiety?_

I found the concept laughable, after the lengths I went to, to control my body's reactions. Surely in a situation where actual performance was required, all that would be needed would be to drop the distractions and everything would flow naturally from there. But of course the seed was planted and I immediately began to worry about what would happen if indeed I was unable to perform adequately.

"Yeah, thanks Jasper," I said sarcastically. "Now I'm worried that I  _won't_  be able to… ahhh… perform."

He pursed his lips and hunched his shoulders in a posture I knew to be a wordless apology. "If it becomes a problem, I could help you with that."

I cocked an eyebrow at him, wondering.

"Let me demonstrate," he murmured.

Within seconds, I felt a warmth come over me, a tingling all over my body. I let out an involuntary sigh as a familiar clenching began in my stomach. About now is when I would normally start reciting lyrics in my head and thinking decidedly unsexy thoughts, but instead, I simply stared at Jasper in disbelief as a certain part of my anatomy that had been the topic of much conversation and thought today, began to stir to life. Still lacking in inhibitions, I spoke. "Jasper," I breathed, taking an involuntary step towards him. "You're giving me an erection."

"Am I?" he asked, a lascivious smirk on his face as he too, took a step forward.

Perhaps it was the fact that there were no images or thoughts that had incited this physical reaction, or Jaspers calming influence, but I had no immediate instinct to suppress this arousal. So I allowed myself to experience it. My lips were parted, and I took deep, unneeded breaths in and out. I drug my fingers through my hair repeatedly, and for some reason was unable to halt my forward motion. It was only when I stood only inches away and looked up at him that I realised that he was breathing as hard as I was, and as he gazed at me I noticed that his eyes were as black as pitch, though he'd hunted only the day before. But it was his thoughts that surprised me the most.

Such ideas he entertained! Had I not been under his other influence, I would surely have been shocked and horrified at the debauchery that flowed like liquid though his mind. Instead, I was strangely fascinated. Of course, it wasn't the first time I'd read such things in another person before, but it  _was_  the first time I'd not immediately blocked them.

The moment was terrifyingly sensual, and it seemed extended, stretched out like a rubber band that could break at any time.

And at the centre of that palpable sensuality, was Jasper. His eyes bored into my soul, it was like a heat radiated from him, and I was transfixed. I wanted to touch him, to see if that heat was real, to rip his shirt from his shoulders and run my hands… "Stop that Jasper, you're starting to look really attractive," I breathed in a rush. He was my brother, for all intensive purposes, but in that moment I would not have stopped him—

A shrill voice floated up the stairs. "I see what you're about to do Jasper Whitlock, and don't you dare!"

I'd seen it too, as he made the decision, the one that had given Alice her vision. He grinned at me, and then suddenly the tension was gone, the thickness in the air, the heat, the tingle, as if it had never been. The rubber band, so close to snapping, had simply disappeared, the only evidence the hardness in my trousers.

Jasper stepped back and adjusted himself. He noticed my look of curiosity. _Yeah, it affects me too; you act like a mirror and reflect the emotion back to me_. He still breathed deeply and evenly, and his eyes were hooded. His accent in his thoughts seemed thicker, more pronounced. He watched me carefully, as if waiting for some kind of reaction.

But the calm was still there, and I was thankful for that. I knew I would be overcome with embarrassment and shock, perhaps even revulsion once it was gone, and I didn't want to have to face Jasper when that happened.

"Oh Jasper? Could you come down here please?" Alice called again.

"Coming Ali," he called to her before turning back to me. "You let me know if you need anymore help there darlin'," Jasper drawled as he stepped backward towards the door, never breaking my gaze.

I raked my hands through my hair several times. "Uhh, yeah okay."

 _Sex hair,_ he sighed inwardly.

"I'm sorry?" I asked, wondering what he meant by the thought.

"You go around mussin' your hair like that and giving yourself that freshly fucked look, and yet you've never been fucked at all. You, darlin', need to be thoroughly fucked." He gave me one last lazy smile before he sauntered languorously out the door.

I heard Emmett's voice filter up from downstairs. "So fucking gay…"

~oOo~

Claire de Lune on repeat; that's what I needed. Almost as soon as Jasper was out the door his influence completely disappeared and I was left feeling quite mortified at his impropriety. That was something I couldn't help, it was something that was ingrained in me, the way I was raised as a human boy, and it had remained with me.

I really didn't want to go downstairs and face the inquiring faces of my siblings. They were talking quietly, but I could still hear their thoughts.

Alice was admonishing Jasper, but in a good natured, amused fashion. Emmett was teasing him, insulting his sexuality and manhood colourfully. And none of it seemed to bother my brother at all. It must be nice to be so secure in oneself.

But wasn't I secure in myself? I had thought so, that I was confident in my control, strong in my composure. I let out a frustrated growl and an answering thought came from below.

 _Edward? Are you alright?_  Alice inquired.

"I'm fine," I hissed.

_Would you like us to leave?_

Why on earth should  _they_  leave, I wondered. I was only going to return to Bella before she woke. Although, it would be nice to be alone with my own thoughts for a change. I replied with a verbal shrug.

And then they were gone and I was alone in the house. My mind was pure tumult. I kept thinking back to earlier in the evening, Bella unbuttoning her shirt in her attempt to seduce me, the soft pale curve of flesh that she'd left exposed…

_The time has come_

The shirt slipping from her shoulders, pale pink nipples erect in the chilly air…

_A fact's a fact_

Pretending not to see, pretending not to notice her naked breasts or the angry flush of hot blood that reached them when she was disappointed...

_It belongs to them_

Guilt at my rejection of her, guilt over my body's involuntary reaction, the struggle to control it…

_Let's give it back_

The erection that had only just completely subsided began to return. I felt some small comfort that it came about through my thoughts of Bella, and not from the projected artificial lust that Jasper had created, but still, I willed it gone.

It did not go.

I shifted uncomfortably, and in doing so, only made my predicament worse as the fly of my jeans rubbed against me, causing an exquisite kind of agony.

I froze, my hands balled into fists at my sides. Dammit! I was so suddenly distracted that I couldn't remember my lifesaving lyrics any longer, all I could think about was Bella. I wanted to go to her, take her in my arms and give her exactly what she—and I—really wanted.

No, it was wrong. So wrong. The thoughts I was having were wrong. I wasn't raised in that fashion, sex did not come before marriage in my world.

But she still hadn't agreed to marry me. What if she wouldn't? I  _would_  be able to abstain… but it was becoming more and more difficult for me to distract myself, and Bella was getting bolder and bolder in her advances.

The pressure was building.

_Out where the river broke_

I was now fully erect, and this was mortifying to me, the head of my penis threatening to emerge from beneath the waistband of my jeans.

_The blood wood and the desert oak_

I willed it to subside, closed my eyes and let my head fall back; my hands balled into fists at my sides, concentrating on the complicated scales of the music, Clair de Lune, still on repeat…

"Holden wrecks and boiling diesels…"

While reciting my normally so trustworthy song of distraction…

"Steam in forty five degrees… oh god it's not working!"

I pressed my balled fists to my temples, breathing hard, and then propelled my fingers through my hair several times. What was it Jasper had said? I didn't want to even think it. I couldn't  _not_  think it. I need… need to be… to be thoroughly…

"Alice," I said out loud, trying to keep my voice even and calm. "If you are looking for me, stop. Go away, leave me alone. Thanks, I appreciate it."

The throbbing of my member was at a zenith, and all I could think about now was relieving it. I was entirely unable to stop my hand as it dropped from its place in my unruly bronze locks, down to my hip. Slowly, tentatively, it crept towards my erection, and then, for the first time in close to a century, I felt my own hardness as I covered it with my hand.

Oh dear god! Delicious friction! I rubbed myself through my jeans, stroking upwards so slowly as I let out a hiss. And then downwards, the agonising relief of my own touch so all-consuming that I groaned out loud.

For the first time in ninety years I was hard, completely and fully erect, and there was only one way that I was going to be able to release myself from this infernally agonising need.

I decided that as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.

Of course all my clear knowledge on the subject was second hand, and fleeting, as I blocked such thoughts as they appeared in others minds, but I was fully aware that the end result would likely be messy.

The shower.

It took only seconds to reach the bathroom and turn on the water. Hot, I decided as I stripped off my clothing and left it in a heap on the floor.

I looked down at the new sight before me when I stepped under the scalding stream. I hadn't realised that I was so  _large_. I felt a brief flicker of pride as one of Rosalie's thoughts flickered through my memory—but perhaps I only looked bigger than Emmett because his body was so large in comparison. I grimaced, but then filed the image away for future use as a distraction. I could have used it now, and I knew it would have worked, but I wanted release, it was too late, and I was prepared to embrace the sinfulness and the depravity.

I brought the memory of Bella back as I wrapped long fingers around my girth. My eyes rolled back in my head as I began to stroke myself in a slow rhythm. I was going to go to hell, but I didn't care, because right then I was experiencing sexual pleasure for the first time in a hundred years.

And what a pleasure it was. I braced myself with my free hand against the wall of the cubicle and leaned forward, circling my hardness with my hand, applying more pressure as I slid slowly down to the base. And then up again, twisting my fist up and over the head. Oh dear god.

I stopped suddenly, searching for something that would ease the passage of skin against skin. My favourite hair conditioner would do the trick I decided. What? You think I get my hair looking this good without the right products?

Oh yes! That was divine. Slick, slippery, my fingers slid easily now, squeezing, twisting, oh sweet Jesus! My hand moved faster along my length, and I felt a curious pulling sensation begin in the base of my spine, rising and spreading out into every part of me. I chased it, strived for it, my hand moving faster over my increasingly turgid member. I couldn't think, all I was now was sensation, urgency, eternal blissful torment, and I was climbing, reaching, my fingers digging into the tiled wall and I gripped my cock harder, pumped faster…

"Oooohhhhhhh… ohhhhh… oh fuck!"

I felt it as it came from behind my testicles and catapulted up through my length in a painful ecstasy of force and released great streams of pure white fluid onto the shower wall. "Jesus fuck!" I gasped as I continued to stroke myself, as I continued to pump my ejaculate onto the tiles before me.

"Oh god," I panted as the tension finally left and I staggered back into the wall behind me. I leant there, gasping for air that I knew I didn't need, in a state one could only describe as a bewildered contentment.

So this was release? I was damned anyway.

~oOo~

Now with any luck I would have far more ability to control myself with that little problem taken care of. Showered and in a fresh change of clothing, I made my way back to Bella.

In defiling myself, I had hopefully removed the possibility that I would inadvertently defile her. I felt renewed, invigorated with further confidence, secure in the knowledge that my control was firmly seated in its rightful place.

How wrong I was.

As soon as I re-entered her room and caught the still lingering scent of her prior arousal, I felt myself stirring once again. I debated leaving, but Bella expected me to be here when she awoke and I was unwilling to disappoint her further, and so I stayed, reciting lyrics and thinking unsexy thoughts.

Morning finally came, and when she woke it was even harder. Literally. I didn't dare to move from the rocking chair, and was almost pleased that she was still angry with me, because if she'd climbed onto my lap as she often did, there was no way that she wouldn't have noticed.

Instead, when she opened her eyes and looked at me, she gave a little grunt of disgust before mumbling something about getting dressed and huffed off to the bathroom.

I was glad for the reprieve, as it gave me a chance to regain some semblance of control. Thank god for Emmett.

So when she returned, wearing jeans and a plain, long sleeved cotton t-shirt in the blue colour that went so well with her skin tone and clung to her curves enticingly—

Dammit. I lifted my eyes to her face and pulled back my now failsafe image. I arranged my features in a pleasant smile. "What do you want to do today Bella?"

She gazed up at me, the anger and disappointment still lingering in the chocolate brown pools of her eyes. "I wanna have sex," she breathed, biting her lip.

I sighed, and pinched the bridge of my nose while running the fingers of my other hand through my skilfully dishevelled hair. "We've talked about this Bella. It's important that we are married first."

She stalked towards me, feline, languorous. Just before she reached me, she tripped over her own feet and collapsed against me as I caught her around the waist. Seemingly without pause, she slid her arms around and pressed herself against me.

_Emmett… Emmett… Emmett…_

"No. You've talked. I've ignored. I don't wanna get married Edward." Her glistening orbs pleaded with me. "You don't know what it's like for me. Seeing you everyday, your perfect face, your Greek god-like muscles, your marble body, your lust for my blood... It's so unbearably attractive, not to mention the sex hair…"

"I'm sorry… what?" I asked, pushing her out to arms length. "Have you been talking to Jasper?"

She looked confused. "No. Your hair." She mimed running her fingers through her own hair, lifting, tugging. "It makes you look like you've been freshly—"

"Bella!"

"Look Edward. What I'm trying to say is that you get me hot. I mean really, really hot. And I have no way to relieve that build-up of pressure, because you're always here, when I sleep, when I'm in the shower. And what would you think, really, if while I was showering—because I know you can hear me in there—I started touching myself? Or while you waited for me to go to sleep? Because I will if you don't do something about it soon!"

I stared, my mouth agape, all my carefully contrived composure gone. And the thought of what she was suggesting had made me hard again, unbearably, painfully, embarrassingly hard. I felt like a yoyo.

She waited—an expectant expression on her beautifully flushed face—for my response.

"Bella… I…" H _ow can we dance while our earth is turning_ … "Oh god…"  _How do we sleep while our beds are burning…_  "Would you like me to stay away at night?" Oh my god, did I just offer to give her masturbation time?

"No Edward." She slipped closer to me, too close, but I was still frozen in shock. "I want you to make love to me." She pressed herself flush against me, and then her eyes grew wide with shock as she felt the hard evidence of my desire pressing against the soft flesh of her belly. "Oh Edward!"

If it were possible for a vampire to blush, I would have been crimson. "Bella… I'm so sorry, I…"

"Oh my god Edward! Don't apologise for having a hard-on! I thought… I thought you didn't want me. I thought… god, that you might be gay." Her face was flushed with pleasure and desire. "But you want this as much as I do, admit it. Say it. Out loud. Say it!"

"Bella," I breathed, grimacing with the effort it took not to kiss her, not to touch her. "We can't…"

She ground herself against me, making me gasp at the excruciatingly delightful paroxysms it sent through me.

"What are you afraid of Edward?"

"Of damning your immortal soul," I whispered. "Of losing control and killing you."

She licked her lips. "Then let me…" Her hand slid from my chest, downward, closer…

I should have stopped her, should have moved away, but I could not. I wanted… I needed her to touch me. Her hand covered my cloth covered erection and squeezed—probably with all of her strength. "Fuck!" I spat, using all of my remaining strength of will to stop myself from thrusting forcefully against her. "Bella… ungh… oh god Bella stop…"

But she didn't. The look on her face was one of rapture, of delight and pride in her achievement. She reached up with her free hand and pulled me down to her, and she captured my lips with her own.

 _Control yourself Edward_ , I chanted to myself silently. I kissed her often. It was nothing new, though never while her hand was on my…

I pulled my mouth from hers, agonisingly aware of the danger my teeth presented to her in my desire to kiss her back, and forcefully. She didn't complain, instead moving her lips to my throat, where she licked, sucked and nibbled at my—to her—immobile flesh.

It inflamed me, and I felt a sudden ominous tension build. Oh god no!

I pushed her away, gasping for the breath I didn't need. She stared up at me with a hurt expression on her face.

"God Bella… sorry, I… I couldn't… I would have…" I felt like an idiot, and probably looked like one too as I stammered, fighting for the words I needed to describe my almost indiscretion.

"Oh," she murmured, realising what I was trying to say. "It's okay," she said, moving back towards me, closely, her hands out before her as if she was afraid I would spook.

I shoved my fingers through my hair again, roughly, several times. I never took my eyes off her, and as she snaked her hands around my waist, pushing up my shirt, her skin hot, burning against mine, she spoke to me.

"Don't be afraid," she murmured as her hands slid up my back and she pulled herself to me again.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back.  _Please don't touch me,_  I chanted to myself.  _Please touch me again_ , I begged her silently. The conflict was torture.

Her hands rose higher, pushing my shirt up, and obediently, my arms rose as she pulled the soft fabric from my body. As she pressed her hot cheek to my chest, I let my arms fall around her, relieved that for a change she wasn't taking her own clothes off. Instead, she was undressing me.

Her hot breath grazed my nipple, sending a sweet ache through my body. Her hands rested at the top of my pants, slid around slowly, one finger tucked just inside the waistband.

God. God I could barely think. Certainly couldn't concentrate enough to try to distract myself now—all I could do was feel the hot path of her finger as it inched its way around under my belt to the buckle. Her face pulled away from my chest—she had to look, to see what she was doing, and she still jammed her finger in the mechanism twice. "Careful," I breathed, hoping to god that she wouldn't break the skin.

And then the buckle was free, and as she began to work the button free, I felt myself begin to shake.

I wondered if she could feel it too.

Apart from her clumsiness, she seemed perfectly calm, perfectly composed. As the button finally came free, she looked up at me with an expression of triumph on her face. Then it changed, her features shifting, her full lips curving into a wanton smile, pure lust in the deep chocolate pools of her eyes. Who was this woman who stood before me? Was this my Bella, my pure and untouched flower whose fingers were right now lowering the zipper on my pants? Was this my sweet and virginal love that slipped her hands into the back of my pants and pushed them off my hips?

Yes, it was. And I wanted her. Suddenly I didn't care about my soul—it was damned regardless—and I couldn't find the care for hers. How could something so perfect ever be blamed for loving me? I didn't deserve it, of that I was sure, but the fact that she accepted and wanted me, with all my flaws and all the evil I had enacted in my long life, the forgiveness she gave willingly proved her goodness, her purity.

And she wanted me. How could I deny my Bella anything she desired?

I kicked off my Chuck Taylors, and the pants that were pooled around my ankles, and bent quickly to drag the socks from my feet.

I rose to my full height and looked down at my beautiful Bella. She was looking up at me from beneath her eyelashes, the edge of her lower lip trapped firmly between her teeth.

And then—and I blinked in shock—she  _leered_  at me. She released the hold on her lip and the blood flowed quickly back into the tender flesh.

"Edward," she whispered. "Undress me."

I inhaled deeply, quickly, the rushing of the warm air hissing audibly past my teeth, all my focus centred on the heat of her bruised lip. She bruised so easily, my Bella, I would have to focus, be gentle with her. God—was I really going to do this? Was I so stupid as to think I could make love to her without harming her? Did I have that kind of control?

I hesitated. "Bella… I don't…" God. I was shaking, nervous. Nervous? She was the only person in the world who could do that to me.

"Edward, it's okay. You're not gonna break me. Please."

God, that blue really was lovely with her skin. I ran my hands up her arms to her shoulders, her throat. I leaned in and captured her lips, carefully, so carefully, because I knew that she really  _was_  breakable.

But I was capable of stroking the surface of a soap bubble so delicately that it wouldn't break. Surely I could take the same care with Bella?

She reacted to the kiss as she always did, fisting her hands in my hair and throwing herself against me with abandon. And so did I, so aware of the threat that my venom posed to her. I pushed her back, gently, but firmly. Her expression was accusing, hurt, but it disappeared completely when I gave her a lopsided smile and then let my right hand slowly slide down from her shoulder, stroking gently the side of her breast and then settling on her waist.

I'd never touched her like that before, so intimately. Her heart rate sped up; her breathing hitched… and so did mine. I let my left hand fall, this time lingering, and then with both hands I took the hem of her pretty blue shirt and began to lift it.

I wondered if she could discern the tremor in my hands as I pulled it up and over her head. If she did, she gave nothing away. Her lips parted and she gasped as my frigid fingers stroked the swell of her breasts above the blue lace bra she wore. Just like the soap bubble.

Her own hands began to fumble with the button on her jeans.

"No Bella," I breathed, gently pulling them away. "I want to do it."

She complied with a murmured: "About time."

I was terrified. Not of hurting her now, not for her soul, I feared because I'd never done  _this_  before, never done any of it. The buttons slipped free easily, and I could see the merest hint of blue lace peaking out of her open jeans. "God Bella," I stammered. "I'm so nervous."

"Me too," she admitted. I couldn't tell.

I crouched as I smoothed the tight denim down and off her legs. The scent of her arousal hung thick in the air, almost completely masking the scent of her blood. I hadn't thought about that, about how that would help me.

My erection was throbbing, painful. All I could think about was being inside her, how warm she would be around me. I felt like we were in a never-ending dance, slowly, so slowly making our way to the…

Climax.

But the dance had barely begun. I pulled her flush to me, my hands wandering down to the soft flesh of her backside, barely covered at all by the tiny undergarment. I shivered at the feel of her hot flesh in my hands. I ground against her, gently, and my hundred-years neglected organ swelled further.

"God Bella," I groaned. "I need… I need…"

"Yeah," she whispered, gasping against me. And then she pulled away, grabbing my hands and tugging me towards her narrow bed.

I caught her as she tripped over her discarded clothing.

"We should have gone to your place," she said as she clambered over the worn quilt.

"Vampires." I followed her, covering her with my body, taking my weight upon my elbows. "They hear everything."

"Right." Her eyes were feverish with desire, and I felt myself falling into their chocolate depths.

I kissed her briefly on the lips before I moved my mouth down, over her chin, past the enticing throb in her throat, down to her décolletage. I let my tongue dart out, following the curve of the blue lace that imprisoned her soft warm flesh. "I need to see you," I murmured, pulling back.

She sat up obediently and with one deft flick of my fingers, the blue bra fell forward and off her, exposing those perfect peaks to my greedy eyes. Her pink nipples pebbled beneath my fingers and she cried out, arching her back up towards me. Goosebumps broke out on her skin from my icy touch, but she didn't shiver. Not with the cold anyway, as far as I could tell.

Covering my teeth with my lips I pulled one hard pink nipple into my mouth and flicked it with my tongue.

"God Edward, god!" Her hands fisted in my hair, trying to pull me closer into her chest. I wanted to devour her completely, and I shook with the restraint it took to hold back.

But I did hold back. I administered the same treatment to the other nipple and she writhed beneath me, gasping and moaning.

I wanted more, more of her. I hovered above her, craving friction on my turgid length, but fearing any stimulation least it bring me to a quick—and embarrassing—finish. I truly felt like he teenage boy that I in fact was. For some reason I always expected my vast years of experience—albeit second hand—would give me stamina in this act… and I feared for my future. If this was how it was now, would it always be the same for me? Locked as I was in the body and emotion of a seventeen year old? Was it that, that drove me now, wanting to feel her warmth around me?

"Please Edward, more…" Her hips bucked up to meet mine and I was suddenly inflamed by the stimulation. Quickly—yet still aware of the fragility of her—I ran my hands down to her hips, my body moving over hers, and hooked my fingers into the sides of the scanty blue lace garment that was all that still covered her. It was gone in a moment, torn into scraps at my impatience to get to her core.

"Edward, please…" she begged. "You too."

She didn't have to ask twice. My boxer briefs went in a similar fashion, and I watched her eyes widen as she took in the sight of me, large and very erect.

She pulled herself to her knees before me, inching closer until we were only inches apart, our eyes locked together. I gasped as she touched me tentatively, her gentle fingers trailing the length of my organ. She got bolder, wrapping her tiny hand around my considerable girth, stroking firmly. It was like being touched in turn by a soap bubble, but so stimulating, so arousing that a guttural groan rose from deep within my chest.

"Your cock is as beautiful as the rest of you Edward," she said, her eyes intense with desire. "You're perfect."

"Bella," I moaned, shocked at her language and overcome with need.

"Please Edward,' she begged. "I want you inside me." She pulled her hand away from me and took mine, attempting to pull me down onto her.

I wanted so badly to do just that, to sink into her warmth, to bury myself inside her body, to surrender. But I couldn't, not yet. I rolled to the side of the tiny bed, pulling her close, kissing her. She threw herself at me again, but as my hand slid down her body and my long fingers entered her slick folds, she relaxed; her head fell back, allowing me to pepper gentle kisses on her face, her throat, and her shoulders as she writhed beneath my probing fingers.

I searched her face, watching carefully for any signs of discomfort, but there was nothing, only ecstasy.

I felt pride when she climaxed, screaming my name, her muscles clenching around my fingers. I kissed her softly, tenderly as she slowly came down from her orgasm.

"Edward," she gasped, still breathless. "How did you… do that?"

I gave her a lazy smile. "Mind reading has its advantages."

She smirked. "I guess you couldn't let it go to waste."

"No." I pulled the quilt over her, there was a chill in the air and she was starting to shiver. "Are you sleepy?" I asked her, noting that her eyelids were heavy.

"No," she murmured, looking up at me from beneath her eyelashes. "Just relaxed. You're not getting out of it that easily Edward Cullen."

"I wasn't…" I trailed off as I felt her warm fingers on me again, trailing down over my hip and then closing over my hardness.

With no conscious thought, I moved over her, covering her body with my own. No decision was made, but as my gaze met the deep melted chocolate orb-like pools of her eyes with my own I sank into her depths, warm and wet and soft and… Bella.

I made love to her slowly, tenderly. She moaned and writhed beneath me, breathing my name and clinging to my shoulders, her fingernails tickling as she dug them in.

"I love you Bella," I whispered, my lips close to her ear, my senses enveloped in the scent of strawberries and freesia, in warmth, her limbs tangled with mine. We fit together perfectly, so naturally, so easily.

I trembled, holding back, forcing myself to move slowly; the physical stimulus, the tumultuous emotions driving us both. I whispered words of love into her ear, and inside my head, my distraction.

_Out where the river broke_

I couldn't be too quick.

_The blood wood and the desert oak_

The tension mounting, her body tightening around me; so close to each other, the closest we'd ever been; inside, warm, safe, home.

_Holden wrecks and boiling diesels_

Her back arched, her body stiffened.

_Steam in forty five degrees_

"Edward… god… Edward, I'm… ohhh god…"

Clenching around me, so tight, her moans of release dragging me with her, I let go, finally falling over the edge into ecstasy.

"Bella… fuck… coming…"

~oOo~

We lay curled in each others arms, sated, at peace. She spoke.

"You said fuck." There was laughter in her voice.

I raised an eyebrow. " _You_  said  _cock_."

"You didn't break me." Smug, self satisfied.

"Nope," I agreed, popping the 'P.'

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed reading, please hit the [Kudos ♥] button.
> 
> [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/vampthenewblack/) | [dreamwidth](http://vampthenewblack.dreamwidth.org)  
> [Transformative Works Policy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vampireisthenewblack/profile#remix)


End file.
